a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We need to rekindle our bromance
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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