I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
