You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
