fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
3pm strippers are depressing
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
