My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Houston, we have a blender
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
