I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
