my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
