mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i think i just lost a toe
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
