I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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