I heard we made out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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