My nipple is on Facebook.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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