He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
