What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
operation have a gay friend backfired
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
