The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize