she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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