I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
