No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
