it wasn't lemon gatorade
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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