just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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