Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
