Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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