Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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