I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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