no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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