id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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