if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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