i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize