you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
