Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize