Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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