Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
