I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
