Small penises have feelings too.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
