I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
