Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
