I wish my penis had an off switch
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
