the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude i'm inner monologue high
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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