my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize