where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
