I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
