Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
