her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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