but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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