2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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