I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
