OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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