Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
