every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
