don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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