nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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