Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
