Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
