She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize