i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
