I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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