i was born a porn star she said
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize