Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
