I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
