as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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