im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
