just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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